Your best jokes!!

[cuty-pie]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[AncienMembre]

The good news, the joke went, was that Morocco had developed a Scud missile that could hit the United States. The bad news was that the missile couldn't leave the ground because too many Moroccans were holding on for the ride.

Source: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/03/27/CMGAJBGOSG1.DTL

elle a voyagé cette blague :langue:

 

[AncienMembre]

whed jamais chaf 3amou wla wladou..wmcha 3ndhoum une fois..w3jbatou bent 3amou wtah fiha..wgalha le soir i will sneak to your room..ja 3amou 3ak bihoum..wgal bentou siri n3si f ma chambre ..wn3es hwa a ca place..flil khouna jay fdlam ftah la port tlah wbda tybous..fak 3amou galou ach tadir..lol..galou bslama a 3emi ana machi fhali...iwa fhmouha

mdrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[cuty-pie]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother

 

[cuty-pie]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

 

[Zaza]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother

hahahahahahaahahaahahahahahhhaah

 

[Zaza]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

en anglais aussi on dit "idiot" ?????
ce n'est pas silly ou un truc comme ça ???

 

[cuty-pie]

en anglais aussi on dit "idiot" ?????
ce n'est pas silly ou un truc comme ça ???

no,machi silly mais imbecile

 

[cuty-pie]

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?


Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.


Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

 

[Zaza]

no,machi silly mais imbecile

comment ça machi silly

je me rapelle tres bien on disait silly girl

t'es nulle en anglais

 

[waRm]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

:-D:-D

That reminds me that

- Question : Do You know the idiot's story which says always "no"?

- Answer : No

:langue:

 

[waRm]

en anglais aussi on dit "idiot" ?????
ce n'est pas silly ou un truc comme ça ???

si si ils disent aussi "Idiot" mais ils le prononcent Aïdiot

enfin tu vois quoi

 

[cuty-pie]

That reminds me that

- Question : Do You know the idiot's story which says always "no"?

- Answer : No

hahahahhahahah

And you remind me of this one

Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The first idiot said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race." The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won. After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to make I saw the movie yesterday." The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

 

[cuty-pie]

si si ils disent aussi "Idiot" mais ils le prononcent Aïdiot

enfin tu vois quoi

non ca prononce "Idiyet":langue:

 

[Zaza]

si si ils disent aussi "Idiot" mais ils le prononcent Aïdiot

non ca prononce "Idiyet":langue:

idiyet Aïdot, mettez vous d'accord !!!

vous voyez pourquoi c'est trop nul l'anglais

 

[waRm]

hahahahhahahah

And you remind me of this one: D

Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The first idiot said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race." The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won. After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to make I saw the movie yesterday." The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

XPDR !!!!

 

[waRm]

idiyet Aïdot, mettez vous d'accord !!!

vous voyez pourquoi c'est trop nul l'anglais

c'est "Aïdiet" les deux en meme temps yallah

 

[jazzyjaf]

An iraqi footballer gets hired by Leeds United. On his first game he scores a goal. After the match he phones his mother to tell her the good news:

"Alo, Mum, How are you, are you alright"
Mum: "Alright! ...No I'm not alright. Our house has just been blown up, your dad has just been shot, your sister has just been raped, and I've been held at gun point. Why the hell did you bring us to Leeds.

besaha,

 

[cuty-pie]

Chinese Call-Center.

caller: Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?

operator:Yes you can speak to me.

Caller: No I want to speak To Annie Wan

Operator: I understand you want to speak to Anyone. you can speak to me. who is this?

Caller: I'm sam Wan.And I need to speak to Annie Wan!.it's urgent!

operator:I know you are someone and you want to talk to Anyone but what's this urgent matter about?

Not done yet!!!Will be back

 

[Pogoss1]

an iraqi footballer gets hired by leeds united. On his first game he scores a goal. After the match he phones his mother to tell her the good news:

"alo, mum, how are you, are you alright"
mum: "alright! ...no i'm not alright. Our house has just been blown up, your dad has just been shot, your sister has just been raped, and i've been held at gun point. Why the hell did you bring us to leeds.

Besaha,

j ai pas compris !!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Pogoss1]

non ca prononce "Idiyet":langue:

cuty-pie a raison; ca se prononce edyet ( phonetique anglophone )

 

[BlazePUA]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[cuty-pie]

Chinese Call-Center.:-D

caller: Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?

operator:Yes you can speak to me.

Caller: No I want to speak To Annie Wan

Operator: I understand you want to speak to Anyone. you can speak to me. who is this?

Caller: I'm sam Wan.And I need to speak to Annie Wan!.it's urgent!

operator:I know you are someone and you want to talk to Anyone but what's this urgent matter about?

Not done yet!!!Will be back :-D

Caller: well.....just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident Noe Wan Got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.right now ,Avery Wan is on his way to the HOspital.

Operator: Look,if no one is injured and no one was sent to the hospital,then the accident isn't an urgent matter.....and I don't have time for this.

Caller: you are so rude!! Who are you?

Operator: I'm saw Ree

Caller: yes you should be sorry. Now give me your name

Operator: That's what I said.I'm Saw Ree.....

 

[cuty-pie]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

Men think w/ their head???I don't think so

I think men use money lo leverage their s....lives,but women use money to be free from the obligations of s....and if men aren't getting as much as of they want maybe it's because they're attracting women for the wrong reasons.

PS:your joke was very funny...

 

[cuty-pie]

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. :d

 

[corbier]

C' est un marocain qui vient d' avoir son visa pour les States alors il va aux USA, et lui se crois deja un Americain veux draguer une super-nana.
Il lui fait des propositions et la fille répond:
- Never!
Il répond:
- 9 heures ? D'accord !

 

[cuty-pie]

C' est un marocain qui vient d' avoir son visa pour les States alors il va aux USA, et lui se crois deja un Americain veux draguer une super-nana.
Il lui fait des propositions et la fille répond:
- Never!
Il répond:
- 9 heures ?D'accord !

hahahahhaha.
j'imagine la scene

 

[SKIMOU]

A man walked into a smart specialty shop and asked the saleslady for a bra as a gift to his wife

the salesgirl said"what size is she??"

"I'm not sure"

"Is she as large as grapfruits??"

"Smaller"

"Apples??"

"Smaller"

"Egges??"

"Yeah -but fried"

" Blur "



so good ?

 

[SKIMOU]

Une petite fille de 9 ans demande à sa maman :
- Quel âge as-tu, maman ?
- Cela ne se demande pas ma chérie, lui répond sa mère.
- Combien tu mesures, maman ?
- Cela n'est pas important ma chérie, reprend la mère.
- Maman, pourquoi toi et papa avez divorcé ? Redemande la petite fille.
- Cela ne te regarde pas ma chérie, dit la mère en terminant la discussion.
La petite fille demanda à sa meilleure copine pourquoi les adultes ne parlent pas de ces choses-là.
Sa copine lui dit :
- C'est vraiment simple, toutes les réponses à nos questions sont sur leur carte d'identité. Le lendemain la petite fille fouille dans le sac à mains de sa mère et trouve sa carte d'identité.
Elle est ravie de voir que son amie disait vrai, toutes les réponses à ses questions s'y trouvent ! Elle court alors voir sa mère et lui dit :
- Maman, je sais ton âge.
- Ah oui ? Et j'ai quel âge ?
- 36 ans. Et je sais combien tu mesures.
- Ah oui ? Combien ?
- 1 mètre 71. Et je sais aussi pourquoi toi et papa avez, divorcé.
- Et bien cela m'étonnerait fort !
- Tu as eu un F en sexe... et çà, ce n'est vraiment pas une bonne note!

 

[cuty-pie]

A little cute/sad story:

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind , she hated everyone ,
except her loving boyfriend , he was always there for her , she told her boyfriend , ( If I could only see the world , I will marry you ).

One day , someone donated a pair of eyes to her , when the bandages came off , she was able to see everything , including her boyfriend.

He asked her : (Now that you can see the world , will you marry me ?) The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind too , the sight of his closed eyelids shocked her , she hadn't expected that , the thought of looking at them the rest of her life , led her to refuse to marry him. Her boyfriend left in tears , days later wrote a note to her saying : ( Take good care of your eyes , my dear , for before they were yours , they were mine ).

 

[BlazePUA]

Husband banned from store because.......
After he retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to
Store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from our local Store.

Dear Mrs. Rethelford

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Rethelford, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code
3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave
her
assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing
the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.



LMFAO!!!! this guy is a genius! i wanna see some of those things being done for real

 

[Flane]

The scene takes place in France.
A woman and her daughter,a pretty maiden, go the doctor.
They get in the office,sit down,facing the doctor and say hello to eachother.
The doctor addresses the daughter:"please undress,miss"
The mother says:"Excuse-me doctor,but I'm the one who's ill"
The doctor replies:"Well,please open your mouth,Madam"...

 

[blabilet]

j'ai pas compris la blague peux-tu m'expliquer stp

 

[Flane]

j'ai pas compris la blague peux-tu m'expliquer stp

Quand il comprend que ce n'est pas la fille(à qui il vient de demander de se déshabiller) qui
est malade,il ne demande pas à la mère de faire la même chose mais juste d'ouvrir la bouche...